I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
My father used to call me the laughing hyena.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors Eat out.
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Comradeship arises from the mirrorage stage of vortex void into symbolic self.
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
In most states you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
Cleaning your house while your children are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
I'm at an age where my back goes out more than I do.
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
