I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
I've apologized a lot.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?
I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.
I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
My vision is closing in now, I just try and enjoy vision as much as possible. Y'know, living it up.
I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
The one who cares the most wins. ... That's how I knew I'd end up with everyone else waving the white flags and not me. That's how I knew I'd be the last person standing when it was all over. ... I cared the most.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.
We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.
I have too many gray hairs in my head from this experience … I'm just trying to heal from the whole thing.
You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
Comedy is the only hope for humanity.
